


Surrender my everything

by DaphneTheAdipose



Series: My Torchwood Bingo Fest 2020 [1]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Children of Earth Compliant, Grief/Mourning, Letters, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Sad, Torchwood Bingo Fest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:49:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26274376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaphneTheAdipose/pseuds/DaphneTheAdipose
Summary: Jack writes a letter that will never be delivered to its recipient.
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Series: My Torchwood Bingo Fest 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1936117
Comments: 6
Kudos: 24
Collections: Torchwood Fan Fests: Bingo Fest 2020





	1. Dead Man Walking Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Torchwood Bingo Fest 2020. Fills on 'immortality' and 'based on a song of your choice' with the song being Youngblood by 5sos.
> 
> At first I was planning on making an MV with the song, but I don't have the material for it and then out of nowhere this fanfic sprung up. Funny how that goes.
> 
> Beta-ed by the wonderful [flamingbluepanda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flamingbluepanda/pseuds/Flamingbluepanda). Thank you so much once more!

To Ianto Jones,   


I don’t know how else to start a letter to you. Is there even a point to writing it now? So many years have passed. I haven’t seen you in so long.

~~ I started writing this letter because ~~

I don’t really know exactly why I started writing this letter. I felt like I needed to. I need to write down what I couldn’t say, what I couldn’t share. And you’ll never read this, but you deserve to have it written down. You deserve to be immortalised in writing. And even though you will never be able to read this, you deserve to have this letter written to you. You deserved it much earlier than I could bring myself to finally write it all down.

It’s been a thousand years at least since you died.

Keeping time in space is wonky. There are different kind of standards all through the galaxies and I don’t always keep up with them or try to convert them to Terran.

But I figure it’s been a thousand years.

And I find myself thinking of you. Thinking of how I could have changed things. Avoided the heartbreak. Maybe if I had distanced myself, maybe if I’d been stronger, been more aloof, colder. Maybe then you wouldn’t have followed me. Maybe then you’d have lived a longer life. But you wanted me.

I wish I could say I discouraged you. I could say I tried but I didn’t really try that hard. I wanted you. And as we grew, I wanted you more.

You once said to me that we chose each other. That you chose me. That I could walk away whenever I wanted to. You were greedy, didn’t want to walk away from me. Kept me for yourself. Never let go.

And at the same time you didn’t believe you were anyone special. That I would find someone just like you in a thousand years or more.

Never have I met someone like you. Never will I ever meet someone like you. The time we had was our only chance at happiness. I wish I could have held it longer.

I held you in my arms as you died. It was torture seeing your last moments. But at least I held you until the end. It was a long time before I could calmly accept that. Before I could be thankful for that. Even as I refused to answer your confession, I held you and I promised to remember you for a thousand years and more. I hope you knew the love those words held. My love for you. No, I know you knew, because I knew you as you knew me. Nobody knew me as you knew me.

I had you only for such a short time. But you weren’t mine to keep.

And still I dance around the words.

~~ It’s not that hard is it? ~~

~~ You didn’t seem to have any pro ~~

~~ It was probably also hard for you ~~

Screw it.

I love you, Ianto Jones. Probably loved you since the first time I held you in my arms. And I regret not showing you more. Not cherishing you properly from the very beginning and even further on in our relationship. You made it easy to seem aloof. I shouldn’t have let you. I should have broken down the walls.  ~~ Should not have cared about ~~

No, I didn’t do that part wrong. You cared about it. You set the boundaries and I respected them. I just should have talked with you more. About us.

Should have made it clear where I stood.

Well, at least I wrote it down here. They’re here in the ink. All my feelings for you. Though perhaps not all of them. That would make a longer letter. Maybe I’ll write another one.

Wish you could read this letter.

Wish I could hold you in my arms again. Feel your head on my shoulders. I miss that weight. I miss your kisses. Your touch. Your sarcasm. Your clever little naming sense. That smile.

I miss you and I’ll keep missing you, I know.

I love you and always will.  
  


Yours,

Captain Jack Harkness


	2. Hope to God you see my face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An impossible reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta-ed by [flamingbluepanda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flamingbluepanda/pseuds/Flamingbluepanda) again!

Hello Jack,

It's Ianto.

You probably didn't expect a letter from me. I’m writing this in 2009. You’re surprised, aren’t you?

Not as surprised as we were to find an envelope waiting for us where we expected a Rift Gift. An envelope addressed to me. I was planning on informing you about it as soon as you came back from your solo mission, but then I read the letter. And I realised I couldn’t. To read what clearly a future self had written hundreds of years in the future would break your heart. Especially if you still feel as strongly about my death as you’ve described. I know you don’t like to think about it let alone talk. And I know that’s why you’re still reticent about our relationship sometimes.

But I’m glad to have received it. I keep re-reading the words you gifted me. Tracing the letters.

I know you weren’t intending for me to actually read this letter. But I have this to say Jack. To these words.

Whether I was yours to keep wasn’t your decision. It was mine. Because you had me, Jack. For whatever time it was, however short, I believe it was worth it. And I know that you do too. We both need something good in our lives. By your time it’s over, but we were together once and I hope that if you dwell on me in your thoughts that you think about the good times.

I’m glad to know that even though I died, you were beside me. I’m sure I’ll feel differently when it will actually happen, but for now I can’t imagine any better way. I’m sorry that you had to live through that and I’m sorry I only confess to you then.

You deserve to hear these words in better circumstances.

I love you, Jack. I have for a while. I don’t know when it started. Don’t know when it went from drowning out the bad, to wanting to sink into you. Hold you closer. Care for you. Didn’t think my life would go this way, but I don’t regret it. I’m happy with you. Even through arguments and danger, your recklessness and mulishness. Not to mention our mutual stubbornness. And yet I love it all. I love you through it all.

I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you until I was dying. But I’m not surprised. If I didn’t tell you so before, then that was my last opportunity. Timing was never much our thing.

Wish I could stay with you for longer, but we both know that wasn’t an option.

So remember me, Jack. I know it’s selfish, but to be remembered by you is one kind of immortality, isn’t it?

And know that when I die, I’ll have this letter of yours in mind. So I’ll know that you loved me even if you couldn’t say it back.

I’m sending this letter to Martha, she should be able to get it to the Doctor. I hope he’ll get it to you.

I hope this letter will find you in a kinder part of your life.

I hope it will make you smile.

Yours,

Ianto Jones

_Recovered from the effects of the late Face of Boe._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final draft of Ianto's many attempts at an adequate letter. There are many things he'd wanted to say, share with Jack, but then he'd look it over and decide that what he'd written would probably hurt Jack in some way. In the end he was most satisfied with this one and it's the one that he sent to Martha. He had many doubts about his choices in the letter after he sent it. He shouldn't have worried.


End file.
